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Sunday, 31 December 2006

Happy new year

No joke today, just my best wishes to everyone.

I hope this new year is better than last year and keeps on getting better forever.

Happiness is a virus. Smile at everyone you meet (it's free) and they will pass it on to everyone they meet.

Give lots of compliments (all Words are free).

Be nice and see how many good things happen unexpectedly.

Above all remember the Monty Python song at the end of "The Life Of Brian" (and sing it often) "ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE". If you are feeling down sing this song repeatedly until you cant help but smile. Always works for me.

On a serious note. I am going on a "New Years Diet" and plan to get from a fat 320 pound sex god to a lean mean 200 pound sex machine.
Out go the chocolate (cakes, biscuits, chockie bars, etc) and sugar in coffee. In comes fresh fruit and raw veg & salads. WOT...NO CREAM CAKES?
So if you see me leaning against a wall puffing and panting, please read previous posts (Dec 22nd) before offering assistance.

I wish you all a very HAPPY NEW YEAR and hope all your dreams come true.

Best wishes

John

Saturday, 30 December 2006

Saturday smile

What happened when a Jew with a hard on walked into a wall?.............He broke his nose.

Why do Jews have big noses?..................Because air is free.

How do you stop your girlfriend from fucking you?..............Marry her.

What does in Irish girl do after sucking cock?...........Spits out feathers.

Irishman walks into a bar, pulls a big steaming turd out of his pocket and plops it onto the bar and says to the barman. "Look what I almost stepped in."

What's another word for cocoon?....................N-nigger.

How do you shoot a black man?.............Aim for the radio.

What did one lesbian ssay to another lesbian?.............Your face or mine.

Friday, 29 December 2006

Friday joke

Whats the difference between parsley and pussy?...........Nobody eats parsley.

Why do women have cunts?...................So men will talk to them.

Why do women have legs?.......................Have you seen the mess snails leave.

Did you know that they have stopped women swimming in the ocean?..............They can't get the smell out of the fish.

what do you call a fat chinaman?.............A chunk.

Did you know that elephants have their sex organs in their feet?.............If one steps on you, You're fucked.

What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?...............washed her hands with soap.

Thursday, 28 December 2006

You Gotta Be Kidding

Young girl at doctors for check up " by the way, my boyfriend has terrible dandruff is there anything you could recommend"?
The doctor replies "Why don't you give him some head and shoulders"?
After a short pause "How do you give shoulders"?

A woman takes her miniature schnauzer to the vets with an ear infection.
The vet diagnoses the problem as an ingrowing hair inside the ear and advises the lady to use a depilatory cream to remove the hair.
The woman goes to the drug store and after a few minutes studying the various products she asks the salesman for some advice. He goes on at length about how some are good for facial hair and some are best used on legs "May I ask where you intend to use this?"
She replied "It's for my schnauzer."
He said "Use this one, but you should avoid riding a bike for a few weeks."

A lawyer and a doctor meet while fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer Said " I am here because the house I own burned down and everything I Had was destroyed. The insurance company paid for everything."
The doctor says "That's quite a coincidence. I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood. My insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused and asked "How do you start a flood?"

Tuesday, 26 December 2006

Gold, Frankinsense and duhhh

The three wise men came bearing gifts for the new born infant.
As they walk into the barn, one of them smacks his head on one of the low roof beams and yells "Jesus Christ".
Joseph says to Mary "Quick write that down. It's better than Clyde"!!!!!!!!

Walked into a bar the other night................ Didn't half hurt............. It was an iron bar.

Bought my mother in law a new chair for Christmas.
My bloody wife wont let me plug it in.

Boxing day fun

Why do dogs lick their own parts................Because they can.

What about dyslexic atheists? Is it true they do not believe in dog.

I was having some deep thoughts the other day and I have decided that I would like to die quietly in my sleep just like my grandfather.
Not yelling and screaming like the passengers on his bus.

Blonde walks into a hardware shop and after a bit of searching goes to the counter with some hinges.
The guy behind the counter says "Do you want a screw for those hinges"?
She thinks for a while and says "No, but how about a blow job for that steam iron"?

Monday, 25 December 2006

HAPPY CHRISTMAS

Hi

Today I have something a little different, so enjoy.

These articles were sent to me via email and I wanted to share them with you.

Always believe in MIRACLES!!

Three years ago, a little boy and his grandmother came to see Santa at Mayfair Mall in Wisconsin. The child climbed up on his lap, holding a picture of a little girl.

"Who is this?" asked Santa, smiling. "Your friend? Your sister?"

"Yes, Santa," he replied. "My sister, Sarah, who is very sick," he said sadly.

Santa glanced over at the grandmother who was waiting nearby, and saw her dabbing her eyes with a tissue.

"She wanted to come with me to see you, oh, so very much, Santa!" the child exclaimed. "She misses you," he added softly.

Santa tried to be cheerful and encouraged a smileto the boy's face, asking him what he wanted Santa to bring him for Christmas.

When they finished their visit, the Grandmother came over to help the child off his lap, and started to say something to Santa, but halted.

"What is it?" Santa asked warmly.

"Well, I know it's really too much to ask you, Santa, but .." the old woman began, shooing her grandson over to one of Santa's elves to collect the little gift which Santa gave all his young visitors.

"The girl in the photograph... my granddaughter well, you see ... she has leukemia and isn't expected to make it even through the holidays," she said through tear-filled eyes. "Is there any way, Santa, any possible way that you could come see Sarah? That's all she's asked for Christmas, is to see Santa.

"Santa blinked and swallowed hard and told the woman to leave information with his elves as to where Sarah was, and he would see what he could do. Santa thought of little else the rest of that afternoon. He knew what he had to do. "What if it were MY child lying in that hospital bed, dying," he thought with a sinking heart, "this is the least I can do.

"When Santa finished visiting with all the boys and girls that evening, he retrieved from his helper the name of the hospital where Sarah was staying. He asked the assistant location manager how to get to Children's Hospital.

"Why?" Rick asked, with a puzzled look on his face.

Santa relayed to him the conversation with Sarah's grandmother earlier that day. "C'mon.... I'll take you there," Rick said softly.

Rick drove them to the hospital and came inside with Santa. They found out which room Sarah was in. A pale Rick said he would wait out in the hall.

Santa quietly peeked into the room through the half-closed door and saw little Sarah on the bed. The room was full of what appeared to be her family; there was the Grandmother and the girl's brother he had met earlier that day. A woman whom he guessed was Sarah's mother stood by the bed, gently pushing Sarah's thin hair off her forehead. Another woman who he discovered later was Sarah's aunt, sat in a chair near the bed with weary, sad look on her face. They were talking quietly, and Santa could sense the warmth and closeness of the family, and their love and concern for Sarah. Taking a deep breath, and forcing a smile on his face, Santa entered the room, bellowing a hearty, "Ho, ho, ho!"

"Santa!" shrieked little Sarah weakly, as she tried to escape her bed to run to him, IV tubes in tact. Santa rushed to her side and gave her a warm hug. A child the tender age of his own son -- 9 years old -- gazed up at him with wonder and excitement. Her skin was pale and her short tresses bore telltale bald patches from the effects of chemotherapy. But all he saw when he looked at her was a pair of huge, blue eyes. His heart melted, and he had to force himself to choke back tears. Though his eyes were riveted upon Sarah's face, he could hear the gasps and quiet sobbing of the women in the room.

As he and Sarah began talking, the family crept quietly to the bedside one by one, squeezing Santa's shoulder or his hand gratefully, whispering "thank you" as they gazed sincerely at him with shining eyes. Santa and Sarah talked and talked, and she told him excitedly all the toys she wanted for Christmas, assuring him she'd been a very good girl that year. As their time together dwindled, Santa felt led in his spirit to pray for Sarah, and asked for permission from the girl's mother. She nodded in agreement and the entire family circled around Sarah's bed, holding hands. Santa looked intensely at Sarah and asked her if she believed in angels.

"Oh, yes, Santa... I do!" she exclaimed."Well, I'm going to ask that angels watch over you,"he said. Laying one hand on the child's head, Santa closed his eyes and prayed. He asked that God touch little Sarah, and heal her body from this disease. He asked that angels minister to her, watch and keep her. And when he finished praying, still with eyes closed, he started singing softly, "Silent Night, Holy Night.... all is calm, all is bright."

The family joined in, still holding hands, smiling at Sarah, and crying tears of hope, tears of joy for this moment, as Sarah beamed at them all. When the song ended, Santa sat on the side of the bed again and held Sarah's frail, small hands in his own.

"Now, Sarah, "he said authoritatively, "you have a job to do, and that is to concentrate on getting well. I want you to have fun playing with your friends this summer, and I expect to see you at my house at Mayfair Mall this time next year!

" He knew it was risky proclaiming that, to this little girl who had terminal cancer, but he "had" to. He had to give her the greatest gift he could -- not dolls or games or toys -- but the gift of HOPE.

"Yes, Santa! "Sarah exclaimed, her eyes bright.

He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead and left the room. Out in the hall, the minute Santa's eyes met Rick's, a look passed between them and they wept unashamed. Sarah's mother and grandmother slipped out of the room quickly and rushed to Santa's side to thank him.

"My only child is the same age as Sarah," he explained quietly. "This is the least I could do." They nodded with understanding and hugged him.

One year later, Santa Mark was again back on the set in Milwaukee for his six-week, seasonal job which he so loves to do. Several weeks went by and then one day a child came up to sit on his lap. "Hi, Santa! Remember me?!

"Of course, I do," Santa proclaimed (as he always does), smiling down at her.

After all, the secret to being a "good" Santa is to always make each child feel as if they are the "only" child in the world at that moment.

"You came to see me in the hospital last year!" Santa's jaw dropped.

Tears immediately sprang in his eyes, and he grabbed this little miracle and held her to his chest.

"Sarah!" he exclaimed. He scarcely recognized her,for her hair was long and silky and her cheeks were rosy -- much different from the little girl he had visited just a year before. He looked over and saw Sarah's mother and grandmother in the sidelines smiling and waving and wiping their eyes.

That was the best Christmas ever for Santa Claus. He had witnessed --and been blessed to be instrumental in bringing about -- this miracle of hope.

This precious little child was healed. Cancer-free. Alive and well. He silently looked up to Heaven and humbly whispered, "Thank you, Father. 'Tis a very, Merry Christmas!

If you believe in miracles you will pass this on...I did!



White Envelopes

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past 10 years or so.

It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas. Oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it, overspending, the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma, the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.

Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.
Our son, Kevin, who was 12 that year was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended, and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church.

These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in the spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes.
As the match began I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears. It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat. Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish one of them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them."
Mike loved kids, all kids, and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse.
That's when the idea of his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church.
On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years.
For each Christmas, I followed the tradition, one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on. The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents. As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there.

You see we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more.

Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing around the tree with wide-eyed anticipation watching as their fathers take down the envelope. Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit, will always be with us.

Author Unknown.
Wishing you love and peace for Christmas

Sunday, 24 December 2006

Christmas eve comedy

How do elephants hide in cherry trees.............They paint their toenails red.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?...........No?...........Bloody good disguise isn't it.
How do they get down..........They stand on a leaf and wait until Autumn.

Visiting dignitary is being guided round a genetics research Lab by the head scientist. "This is a cross between a pheasant and a partridge. We call it a fartridge."----------"This is a cross between a pheasant and a robin. We call it a fobin."------------"And here is our latest research. It's a cross between a pheasant and a duck. We call it Nigel."!!!!!!

Do you know how to make a dog go miaow?--------------Take it 10'000 feet up in a plane, push it out and it goes miaooooooooow.

How do you make a cat go woof?...................pour a gallon of petrol (gas) on it, light a match and woooof.

Saturday, 23 December 2006

Promise not to laugh!!!!!!

Whats green and turns red at the flick of a switch...............A frog in a liquidizer,

Did you hear about the gay mafioso...............He wanted to be a fairy godfather.

Why has an elephant got four feet..............Because he would look bloody silly with four inches.

Did you hear about the welsh farmer who took his favourite sheep to the edge of a cliff........So he could get a better push-back.

Friday, 22 December 2006

Friday fun

Teenage couple splashing about in a swimming pool. He says "I'm going to duck you". She replies "If you say it properly you can"

Vampires must be gay. All those sexy women half naked and all they want to bite are their necks.

Did you Hear about the latest invention to make your penis bigger. It's an adjustable strap. One end fastens round the ankle and the other end ties on to your willie. The idea is that each step you take, the strap gives a tug, and gradually your willie gets longer. So next time you see a jogger leaning against a wall, gasping for breath, leave him alone........he's having a fantastic time.

The man who lost the whole use of his left side. He's all right now.

Thursday, 21 December 2006

New jokes

Would you believe it. Got rid of my headache and the wife's got one.

For Christmas I am going to give her a pack of aspirins and some sexy undies. When she opens the aspirins and says "What are these for? I don't have a headache" I will say get these on quick.........YIPPEEEEEE.

Man driving along the motorway from Manchester to London and his stomach starts to give him serious trouble so he pulls over onto the hard shoulder and squats by the side of his car.
A couple of minutes later he is feeling a lot better and a good bit lighter, just as he is tidying himself up a police car stops behind him.
Trying to save himself some embarrassment he throws his hat over the steaming mound.
Police Inspector and Constable step out the car and ask what he's up to.
The man says "There was this bloody big fly bothering me as I was driving so I stopped and caught it under my hat".
The Inspector says "I think we may be able to help here! Constable smith swat that fly.
The Constable gets his truncheon out.............Gently grasps the edge of the hat..............lifts the hat and swing with all his might...........As you can imagine......Brown nastiness sprays everywhere.
The Inspector says "Did you get it"?
The Constable replies "I don't think so, but I gave it one hell of a fright".

Wednesday, 20 December 2006

No joke today

Sorry, No joke today, I've got a bad headache.
Just my luck, The wife's feeling horney and I'm the one with a Bloody headache!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, 19 December 2006

Jokes of the day

Paddy gets a job as a lumberjack but just cant manage to cut down as many trees as the other lumberjacks One day on the way home he sees an advert for the latest chainsaw "cut down 20 trees a day Guaranteed". He thinks that's exactly what I need. 375 Dollars later he is the proud owner of the latest in tree felling gear.
Next day he sets of and manages to cut down 5 trees. He's a bit disappointed but thinks to himself "when I get used to using this thing I will get faster. Two weeks later and he is only up to 8 trees a day so he goes back to the hardware store to complain.
The manager says "lets go out back to see whats wrong with it". Out they go and the manager checks the fuel level and pulls the starter cord. It springs into life with a roar and Paddy yells out "WHAT THE BLOODY HELLS THAT NOISE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why don't Polar Bears eat Penguins??
Because they cant get the wrappers off.

Furniture mover driving along one day and a motor cycle comes along side. The rider stands on the seat as they both travel down the road at 70 miles an hour, he knocks on the truck window and as the driver winds his window down, the biker puts a cigarette in his mouth and yells "Have you got a light pall". The driver Yells back "are you trying to kill yourself". The biker replies "I only smoke 5 a day"!!!!!!!!

Monday, 18 December 2006

More jokes for you

The Irish one armed sculptor................put the chisel in his mouth and hit the back of his head with the mallet.

Imagine the jungle world cup finals. It's the mammals against the insects. The insects are leading and as Adam ant chases down the pitch with the ball, the elephant from the opposition comes along and stamps on him. pore old Adam, splattered all over the place. The referee come up and sends the elephant of. As the elephant walks slowly off he bursts into tears , saying "I only meant to trip him up".

Did you know that if you play a country and western record backwards, you stop being a drunk, you get a job, your dog recovers, your wife comes back--------"Whoa" "stop" "smash the bloody thing quick.

Sunday, 17 December 2006

Todays Joke

You gotta feel sorry for the poor old polar bear sitting on the deck of the Titanic Saying "What happened to my bloody iceberg" .

Saturday, 16 December 2006

Come in and have a laugh

The homosexual cowboy.......................rode into town and shot up the sheriff.

Two Scottish homo's...............Ben Doon & Phil MaCrakin.

Two Irish homo's..........John Fitzpatrick & Patrick Fitzjohn.

Did you here about the lost oomatingee tribe of Africa. They were a very brave tribe of pygmies who used to run naked through the long grass shouting............."oomatingee oomatingeeeeee"!!!!!!!!!

They were closely related to another tribe of pygmies called the ellarewee tribe. Now the ellarewee tribe were a very proud people and wanted everyone to know who they were. They would run through the long grass, jumping up and down, shouting........"were the ellarewee.. were the ellarewee"!!!!!!!

Friday, 15 December 2006

Mother in law

My mother in law is that ugly that when she was born the doctor slapped her mother.
We use her photograph on the mantelpiece to keep the kids away from the fire.

When she puts on her lipstick it tries to crawl back up the tube.
She was eating a lemon the other day, and the lemon was pulling a face.

Her lips are so big that when she was a child her mother used to wet her lips and stick her to the shop window.
She got a new job......suck starting jumbo jets.

And big. You could use her nickers for a hang glider.
She was on the beach on day and the coast guard came up and said "can you move please. The tide wants to come in".

Her house is so bad that she uses a pig as an air freshener.
It's the only house I know of where you have to wipe your feet when you leave.

Thursday, 14 December 2006

Welcome

Hi and Welcome to Laughing piggies.
IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE GO ELSEWHERE.
THIS IS JUST FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN LAUGH AT LIFE WITHOUT PREDJUDICES OF ANY SHAPE, FORM, COLOR OR RELIGION.


Let the fun begin.

Sister Bridget is planting seeds in the convent garden but she is having small success, for every 3 seed she plants, the crows come down and eat two.
In exasperation she chases the crows off shouting "F**K OFF YOU EVIL BIRDS".

Mother Abigal is passing by and hears this. She goes over and says "thats not gods way". "what you should say is 'SHOO SHOO' and they will fu*k off anyway!!!!!!

Tuesday, 12 December 2006

Hi and welcome to the laughing piggies blog.

We will bring you regular comedey and jokes.

Back soon.

"The BIG porker"