Mother in law

My mother in law is that ugly that when she was born the doctor slapped her mother.
We use her photograph on the mantelpiece to keep the kids away from the fire.

When she puts on her lipstick it tries to crawl back up the tube.
She was eating a lemon the other day, and the lemon was pulling a face.

Her lips are so big that when she was a child her mother used to wet her lips and stick her to the shop window.
She got a new job......suck starting jumbo jets.

And big. You could use her nickers for a hang glider.
She was on the beach on day and the coast guard came up and said "can you move please. The tide wants to come in".

Her house is so bad that she uses a pig as an air freshener.
It's the only house I know of where you have to wipe your feet when you leave.