Wackey Wednesday

Whats the difference between a circus and a brothel?.............Ones a cunning display of stunts!!!!

bloke goes for an interview as a doorman in the local brothel and is told by the madame what he has to do and the terms of employment.
The wages are only $70 a week but the perks are, Free bed and board, all he can eat and sex with the girl of his choice after all the customers have gone home.
He starts the next evening and after a trouble free night he is looking forward to his fun. He picks a gorgeous blonde and they go to bed. The problem is she wont let him have sex, just a hand job.
The next evening he chooses a long legged redhead and the same thing happens.
the third night he has worked very hard and is looking forward to a good fuck. He selects a petite brunette and the same thing happens.
A bit disappointed, he visits the madame and explains what is happening. She says "I thought I explained, you have to work a week in hand."

Overheard from behind the bushes.
"If you were a gentleman you wouldn't have done that."
"If you were a lady you wouldn't talk with your mouth full."

Monday funday

Why do Aussies come so quick?......................So they can get down to the pub and tell their mates.

Drunk staggers home, crawls upstairs to the bedroom and whispers into his wife's ear just before he passes out.
The next morning he gets up feeling awful and makes his way gingerly downstairs.
His wife presents him with a steaming grey fluffy mess on a plate. "I hope you enjoy it darling" she says.
"What is it?" he replies trying to hold down his insides.
"Well last night when you came to bed you whispered in my ear that the thing you wanted more than anything else in the world was for me to cook your sock."

My wife was bending over the freezer to get a chicken out and I ripped her nickers of and gave her a good fucking.
Not many people have been barred from Iceland.

Sunday fun

Two men lying at the bottom of a cliff, both battered and bruised.
One holding a disheveled budgie says "I don't recon much to this budgie jumping."
The other clutching a limp parrot. "This parrot gliding ain't any better."

Whats got 100 balls and fucks rabbits?................A twelve bore shot gun.

The beautiful blonde whispered to the doctor "Go on kiss me, I know you want to."
The doctor replied "I don't think it would be ethical, I shouldn't really be fucking you in the first place."

Three Welshmen walking down a country lane and they see a sheep stuck half way through a barb wire fence.
The first says "I wish that was Cindy Crawford."
The second says "I wish it was Angelina Jolie."
The third says "I wish it was dark."

Saturday snigger

Paddy gets a job as a labourer on a building site.
On his first day all is going well and he picks up a shovel, "Don't let big Murphy catch you using his shovel or he will sort you out," Says one of the other labourers.
A Little later he grabs a wheelbarrow, "Don't let big Murphy catch you using his barrow or he will sort you out."
This goes on all day and when he finishes he marches round to Murphy's house in a rage and smashes the door down.
On the sofa is a well muscled 7 footer, paddy is so annoyed that he just starts to beat him up.
Murphy's wife dashes in and says "If big Murphy catches you hitting the baby or he'll sort you out".

Two teenage girls watching the latest film in the cinema. "Hey Shirley! The bloke next to me is masturbating."
"Just ignore him Doreen"
"I can't, he's using my hand"

A man goes into the vets.
"Say aaaah....." says the vet.
"Why" asks the bemused man.
"because your dog died half an hour ago"

Friday Funnies

Did you hear about the Irishman.........got a job as a wringer out for a one armed window cleaner.

What can cows do that women can't?...................Stand up to their tits in water without getting their fannies wet.

Two Australians hunting in the outback and one stops for a leak, before he is able to put himself away he is bitten on his Willie by a poisonous snake. "help me Charlie" he cries in pain.
Charlie assesses the situation and Says "hang in there mate, I'll call the Flying doctor" and off he goes to the radio in the truck.
He gives the flying doctor service all the details and gets this reply. "we are to far away to get there in time"
"Is there anything I can do to save Alf" he pleads.
"If you suck out the poison he may live until we get there".
Charlie goes back to Alf and Alf yells "what did they say"?
"Sorry mate, your gonna die"

More Fun

Did you hear about the man who buried his mother-in-law face down in the garden?..........He wanted somewhere to park his bike.

Young couple walking through the woods and they stop for a kiss and cuddle. She says "You smell nice, What have you got on?"
He replies, "I've got a hard on but I didn't realise you could smell it".

Man walks into a bar grinning all over his face. He says to the bartender " I'll have three rums, one bourbon and two gin and blackcurrant, please."
The drinks are lined up before him and he downs them all straightaway.
"Whats the big occasion?" asks the bartender.
"I've just had my first blow job," replies the man.
"Oh right, was it OK?"
"Not to bad, but even now I can still taste it."

Two girls wlking along and one says "where did you get those marks on your knees?"
The other replies "From making love doggie style."
"It looks very painful to me, don't you know any other way?"
"Oh yes, I do, but my dog doesn't."