Saturday snigger

Paddy gets a job as a labourer on a building site.
On his first day all is going well and he picks up a shovel, "Don't let big Murphy catch you using his shovel or he will sort you out," Says one of the other labourers.
A Little later he grabs a wheelbarrow, "Don't let big Murphy catch you using his barrow or he will sort you out."
This goes on all day and when he finishes he marches round to Murphy's house in a rage and smashes the door down.
On the sofa is a well muscled 7 footer, paddy is so annoyed that he just starts to beat him up.
Murphy's wife dashes in and says "If big Murphy catches you hitting the baby or he'll sort you out".

Two teenage girls watching the latest film in the cinema. "Hey Shirley! The bloke next to me is masturbating."
"Just ignore him Doreen"
"I can't, he's using my hand"

A man goes into the vets.
"Say aaaah....." says the vet.
"Why" asks the bemused man.
"because your dog died half an hour ago"